having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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