ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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