just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The cops high fived after they tackled you
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
