hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
