you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
