I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
