Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Randomize
