Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
