Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
