so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
