Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We need to rekindle our bromance
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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