I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
