My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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