Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Less talking, more tequila
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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