He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
