he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
