got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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