My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize