The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
