Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
