God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
