We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
