After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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