I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
