I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
