**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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