My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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