ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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