i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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