apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
