It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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