After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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