new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
