We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
