i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
