I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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