I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
