All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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