so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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