When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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