I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
