You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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