Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
