Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
this is an emotional support booty call
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
