If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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