the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
