Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
