Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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