Yo dont text me then not text me
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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