oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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