wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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