The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
