i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
