I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
