There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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