those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize