dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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