fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
