Who wears a wallet chain?!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
