I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
