my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
why do cheetos always look like penises
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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