Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
