my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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