I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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