i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
